Yesterday Steve and I both attended the TriNet PeopleForce Conference, and we got to meet with Ryan Reynolds for a 30-minute happy hour. We didn't get to do much, got a hug, shook his hand, and had a photo-op. But, that was huge. lol. I was really happy and really excited to add this to my "once a lifetime" list amongst others. This wouldn't have happened if it was not for me, it was not about effort, but my proactiveness, and my attitude of "just ask" got me and Steve to the small-group list of the people who get to have Happy Hour with Ryan Reynolds. I was extremely happy.
However, my late conversations with Steve clearly woke me up about what kind of partner Steve is and the limitations for him to be someone that I can confide in. 我積極樂觀式嘅表達方式，喺佢眼中，我係 arrogant, keep reminding me that I am not the best (and I know I am not the best, I was simply just being funny and joyful, and part is just affirming the values I bring. I didn't realize that kind of interaction had him believe that I had become arrogant.
What's worse is that I was being vulnerable, when I expressed sadness and anxiety, asking him to help, telling him I was not in a good space and needed his comfort. My anxiety was caused by the strategy of how to deal with my outstanding student loan. He listened. He then started criticizing my personality and again, my arrogance caused me anxiety and stress.
A lesson must be learned. Until Steve understands and chooses to not ego-lize his position in our relationship, I will not be able to simply share with him, whether I feel joy or sadness, the moment of my sensitivity to all kinds of emotions that run through my brain. You, the BLOG, are my only way out.
Listed below are some of the hurtful conversations that had happened.
Sunday 10:35pm 我現在很認真很冷靜的跟你說，我絕對很糟糕，我沒有一刻覺得我在你心目中是完美的。剛才我說的話絕對沒有絕對自己是最好的。讓你有這種想法，我真的非常抱歉。我認知也非常清楚我在你心目中有多麼的不完美，我的缺點要寫下來比聖經還要長。你娶了我，真的是你的不幸。為此，我很抱歉
July 30 8:50pm你在大街上罵我，然後連續兩天持續的責怪我，因為你認為我不滿意你的商業決定，一個你以為我生氣的原因，然候再對我發脾氣，讓我好好反省怎麼去做一個有包容的人，在孩子面前逼著我說我不想說的話，然後在你一次又一次的傷害後，你覺得發個短信道歉是有誠意的嗎.
我不知道怎麼跟你說。我看你對我的好，看到你對我的細心。我不舒服，你馬上去買藥，風口吹的我不舒服，你回調低風速，我餓了你煮東西給我吃⋯我都看得到。可是我真的好難過。每次我想抱你，想告訴你我想你，想告訴你我愛你的時候，你罵我的話一次又一次的重複。我沒辦法睡覺，我沒辦法開心。而且到現在為止，你都沒有為你說的這段話道過歉。在車上的那句道歉是交代式的說，我不覺得你是真心道的歉。你沒有跟我好好說你不應該說那樣的話⋯星期天，你逼迫著你自己道歉，你逼迫我理解你說出那些話背後的理由好讓我體諒你說的話是過得去。而在我的立場，我已經告訴過你我為什麼生氣，你選擇不相信我生氣的理由，硬要把你認為我生氣的理由安在這件事裡面，然後對我說出這麼無情的話。
我難過，可是你寧願一直叫我不要生氣，可以別再生氣，說得就是問題在我身上，只有我不生氣，就沒事了。是我不懂得包容。
我沒有生氣。你看到是我生氣還是不願意接受你傷害了我。
你只選擇只叫我不生氣，可是，你沒有一次對不起和承認你傷害了我。
我再說一次，我沒有生氣。我是沒有辦法開心起來，我想抱你，想告訴你我想你，想告訴你我愛你的時候，我都是在留眼淚，腦海裡是你一次又一次重複的罵我。
July 14 老公、我沒有生你的氣。我只是希望我可以好好按照你告訴我的指引去活。過去希望在一段婚姻中，我可以當個傻傻的我，問你我是不是最好的，我是不是很可愛，會撒嬌式的要求你說我是最好的。難道我不知道我不是最好的嗎？難道我真的讓你回答了，我就是無敵了嗎？那是我選擇在我們婚姻中溝通的其中一種方式。我也很感恩我們現在擁有的。所以當你說，”go fuck yourself, why do you have to be the best of the best, sorry, I can’t accommodate that. If that’s what you need, then sorry, go fucked off” 的時候，我希望你也可以接受像今天一樣平淡的我。我不希望你和我的溝通是一種accommodation。我沒有生氣，我很好。我很愛你，也很愛這個家。不要說別生氣了，因為我沒有在生氣。謝謝你的體諒。
3 things I'm grateful for:
My beautiful family
Nicolas and Travis transition to High School and Middle School
Our financial safetynet
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